Growth is such a weird thing.

My guess is that most people would look at my life from the outside and say "What are you doing?? You've rented out your home to strangers; you don't even have a home anymore. You live in a camper or a concrete building (my current location if you didn't know). You quit the job you've done for over 20 years. You are pretty much broke. You don't have a lot of friends. What in the hell has happened to you?" And to those people I would have to say- Please save your pity for someone else lol. I am in the best place I have ever been in my life.

And here is why:

#1- When you go through life-altering sickness; it changes you. I've talked about my Alpha Gal a little but no one but my husband really knows what my life has been like for the last 5 years. I have fought it as hard as I could. I have chased therapies and answers and am dealing with it right now, the best I ever have. But it would have been so easy to give up on the nights I wish I were dead instead of going thru what I was going thru. I'm not here to even talk about that right now, but I just want to raise awareness of it.

Even though Alpha Gal Syndrome is not new it was something most people had never heard of, then bam- all of a sudden thousands of people had it. Arrogant doctors treated people like they were crazy. I thought I was crazy for a couple of years and just lucked into meeting someone who diagnosed me, it sure wasn't, diagnosed by my doctor who had finally told me to seek therapy. But they were dark years, darker than anyone even knows.

Alpha Gal is so misunderstood and what I have learned is that every person with it has different symptoms and levels of the allergy. Some people get headaches but not much else. But some people are "lucky" enough to puke until they think they will choke on it. Migraines that make you want to cut your head off your shoulders because it hurts to lay your head on the pillow, as you lay in the bed for days. Feeling your throat closing up and being terrified that you will die in the dark while everyone else in the world is sleeping. Someone in the kitchen cooking meat and you feel the panic starting because you can't even breathe it. So many lost days..

Whew, OK, enough, I'm doing better, I really am. But if this doesn't change a person's outlook on life, then something is fucking wrong with you.

#2- I don't care what you think of me. I really don't lol. And that is one of the most amazing feelings in the freaking world. I don't believe most people ever experience this and I hate it for them. When I first heard the word unapologetic, I have to admit I had no idea what that really meant or looked like. My advice to anyone: figure it out. I really don't care what anyone thinks about me but my husband, my dog and my God. The rest of you don't really count unless you love me for the me I am today. And I don't care if you like that or not, don't let the door hit you on the ass. That is unapologetically living, my friends. I recommend it. I promise you, loving yourself matters a lot more than worrying about people who really don't matter and what they think of you.

#3- I am creating things. I am writing, I am designing, I spend my days looking at and creating things that make me feel. I am by far more in touch with myself than I ever was back in the midst of weekly therapy. And I'm sharing my feelings with strangers and they hear it. I make people feel. I make people think. I let people know they are not alone. I am doing the most important work I have ever done. I want to create a freaking revolution of people who know its ok to have their feelings and respect that your feelings are yours, and mine are mine. And we can co exist and prop each other up or you can go on about your life and I'll go on with mine. But I'm going to be me and I'll not apologize to anyone for it. And I freaking matter, and I'm here to do something important.

The picture I've attached is something I made this morning. Chuck and I are sitting in the campground living room, with our music blaring and drinking our coffee and enjoying every minute we get together. I was sitting on my laptop and came across this quote and I thought oh I've got to find the perfect background for this, this needs to breathe on a canvas somewhere. I came up with this and by the time I was done I was sitting here crying. Chuck saw me and said 'Baby whats wrong??' and I looked at him and said, "My creative juices are flowing, I'm just over here having therapy," and he smiled so understandingly and so gently at me and said, "You go babe."

Don't ever think I've lost my mind or I'm not happy. I have everything a person could want right here.

Growth is really a weird thing. 53 years old and I'm doing more growing up in this part of my life than I think I ever have at any other point. Growth is going out on a limb, jumping off the deep end, closing your eyes and taking that first step. It's not being afraid of failure because you know that's just gonna make you more determined to dig in and to keep going. It's finding strength you didn't know you had. It's ending friendships because they don't give you what you need, and you've outgrown them. It's quitting jobs working for people you don't respect in an industry that sucks the soul out of you. It's saying I don't know how we're going to make it but we'll figure it out. It's knowing that I don't want to die because I have a lot of living left to do.

This is the season where I stop surviving and start becoming who I was meant to be.