I'm tired

I'm writing today because I'm tired. I'm tired and I don't feel great. And all I want to do is lay down and sleep. And just turn it all off.

But I should be doing other things. I have things undone, half done, not done. So here starts my daily struggle of feeling like a worthless piece of shit.

Yeah, strong words. But it's the absolute truth. My whole adult life has been spent like this. Not enough time or energy. The want is there. The need is there. The need is always freaking there. So I try til I can't try anymore. And then I crash. And the whole time I am hating myself, feeling like I should be doing more, comparing myself to others who seem like they can accomplish so much, so much more than I can even dream about.

I want to be able to do it all. Some people don't have the desire to be more. That thing inside that pushes you to try, to not give up. To never be a victim. To never accept less. But what does a person do that has that drive, that need, but doesn't have the body to go with it? When other people say they're tired or sick or hurting, I don't judge them. But then they're not sick all the freaking time like me. I feel judged by every excuse I make. Every invitation I turn down. Every phone call I don't make. I feel like I should always be more. Do more. Achieve more. But I can't. I'm just so tired.

So today I pray for grace. I pray for my own understanding. I thank God for bringing Chuck into my life who has never made me feel like I was less. And I pray for God's healing touch. I pray that my allergy treatments will eventually work. I pray for a good nights sleep. I pray that tomorrow I will wake with a better attitude. This website was always supposed to be about understanding. About not feeling alone. I need to tell myself; you are not alone. But today it's hard for me. And some days are like that. I pray tomorrow is a better day.